Most of us listen so poorly to others because we don’t want to hear what they have to say. We want them to be different from who they truly are. We push them to be pawns of our desire so frantically we put words in their mouths:
“How you doing, alright?”
“Did you have a good time at the circus?”
“Oh, you work as a nurse. That’s a noble profession. You’re a good person.”
Those lines are bad. They are representative of our biases and our nervous need to push the conversation. We want a conversational partner so badly we can’t relax and wait for the truth. That’s not sexy. It also causes a disconnect from the other person. When we try to move the relationship forward he or she freaks out. “You don’t really know me. Why do you want to spend time with me alone? You are thinking I’m different than what I am. You are trying to force me to be other than what I am. You are intimating that I have led you on – that I am that person. Apparently I have deceived you or you have deceived yourself. I feel trapped but I guess a little more deception can’t hurt. I’ll just make up a lie to get out of this. I will flake on you. Tell you at the last minute that my cousin is in town and I have to show her around, yeah, that’s a good one. Goodbye.”
Sexy people are never bothered by hearing another person’s truth, good, bad or otherwise.
“How was your night?”
“Are you wanting to go right now? I don’t want to keep you.”
“I want to see you but you can say no.”
“Does that make sense or am I crazy? I might be crazy. There’s no shame in being crazy.”
Subtly, these example questions and statements leave more options for response. With more options, more freedom, the other person can express themselves more fully and accurately. That means we will know them better and when it comes time for the relationship to move forward they will feel more comfortable knowing we wish to move forward with the real person which is them.
Want to learn more about this conversational concept and others? I suggest signing up for one of my Conversation Camps. Your conversation skills are the gateway to building a more effective and sexier you.
All the best,
Wayne Elise
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
This is still one of the best articles about how to properly listen.
I was being honest and sincere when I said this post blew my mind, you must’ve been under the assumption that I wasn’t. My apologies for the misunderstanding and thank you for your time.
Wayne! This post blew my mind, it changed my outlook not only on what non-listening is but also what non-listening communicates to other people. I’m grateful that you’ve articulated this information the way you did.
This is really fundamental! May I repost this on my website?
I’ll put the link referred to your website. I always love CA method.
Good stuff Wayne. I call this the “leading question” mistake. There’s a reason lawyers are so unpopular with regular people, because they’re either making us feel stupid for not saying what we should be saying (direct examination), or criticizing us for what we do say (cross-examination).
Barry-If you end on a ‘down’ possibility, I think it’s just as constraining as ending on an ‘up’ one–instead of anticipating a positive outcome, you’re anticipating a negative one. Either way, you’re anticipating, and anticipating is bad. Baaaaaaad.
Because, hey maybe she’s kind of into you. Maybe she likes what she sees so far and she’s open to getting to know you, and will trust you to take her to the next level. Don’t disappoint her by taking away that possibility with a negative suggestion!
I’m thinking, where did I put my glasses?
Hi Wayne,
I like the theme. This is the kind of thing I notice a lot in my own conversation. (That was the nice part. Now the disagreement.) Just this week I noticed myself giving girls outs like your examples e.g. “I’d like to meet up with you again, but I don’t know if you want to.” or even “but I get the impression you’re less than enthusiastic”. Hmmm, maybe that’s not what you meant, but even in trying to give them more freedom I feel like I’m somehow giving them less freedom, or trying to get more commitment – in other words trying to push things. What I’m really questioning is whether a conversation technique can overcome something that’s essentially a mental desire. One thing I’ve been experienting a little with is just being aware. Accepting things as they are, even my own graspingness (or whatever). I find that helps a little. These are just my thoughts, all in all. Take them as you will. (See there I feel it again. It’s like caring to much about giving you the freedom to take them as you will. Am I making sense or am I just crazy? Don’t answer that.)