Grooming 101: What to do about nose hairs.

Okay, let’s get down and dirty. Or up and nasty, depending on your point of view. I want to talk about nose hairs. Once upon a time I paid no attention to nose hairs. I was young and blissfully unaware. Other than the occasional stuffed-up variety of nose, I mostly ignored my appendage, counting on it to just go wherever I did and do it’s thing without any advice from me. But something unexpected happened on the way to middle age. Hairs began sprouting out of places I’d never expected. One night, after being rejected from my attempted make out with a friend, of a friend, of a friend, I took a look in the mirror and talked to myself, “That girl liked me. At least from afar. But when we got close, SHAZAM, nothing. What happened?”

I breathed on the mirror. Hard to tell, but my breath seemed okay. I looked for other clues. True, I was pastey white. And I needed a shave. And I was a DUDE. How could any girl want to make out with a dude anyway? Yuck.

Okay, I was getting off track. I moved closer, and that’s when I spotted them, peeking out like paintbrush bristles. Their roots buried up somewhere deep. Nose hairs! And, oh my sweet Buddha, some were snow white. Made me think of my father who has never trimmed his nose hairs, ever. They just grow down and merge with the hairs of his mustache. Neat, huh?

But in other news, nose hairs DO NOT turn women on. Grooming is IN. Men are shaving their chests for Pete’s sake. A girl I know claims to only date men who shave their arm pits. The world has turned. Lumberjacks and burly men no longer run things. It’s the hipsters and the Robert Pattersons who are considered hot.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen a client show up for training with us who has under-groomed in the nasal region. This necessitates a tough conversation. I have, a few times, on the spot, marched a guy down to the pharmacy to buy a trimming instrument of desperate, nose-hair destruction. If we don’t take care of the grooming essentials we may as well not be in the game. What game? The game of love, sex, life. Don’t leave the house with visible nose hairs. It’ll distract people at your work, walking down the street, babies will cry and wolves will howl. Your chance of getting ‘lucky’ is reduced by 82.5%.

Okay, now that I’ve made you suitably paranoid about the topic, let’s move on to talk about how to take care of those prickly rascals.

My first attempt to get rid of my nose hairs was to pick up a pair of tweezers and yank the suckers. But pulling a nose hair, root and all, will make your eyes water, create an unfulfillable urge to sneeze and want to rub your nose along the floor like a puppy. I’ve got the rug burns to prove it. Not cool.

I tried battery-powered nose hair trimmers but they suck. Because of their design they can’t get in there close to the skin at the center flesh of the nose. Guys who claim to use them, always have visible ‘hairage’ if you look closely enough. And girls do, if they’re up in your grill, about to make out.

I’ve always said, if you want a job done right, you gotta get in there and swipe at it yourself with a sharp instrument. I recommend using cuticle scissors (see above pic). These are designed to trim toenails but they do an excellent job of trimming nose hairs too. The blades are curved and wicked sharp. That curve will help you get in there close to the skin without poking yourself. Buy the most expensive pair you can find. There’s nothing as frustrating as isolating a stubborn nose hair only to botch the job with dull blades.

Technique: In each nostril there are two regions that must be attended to. Hairs grow from the middle, nostril-separating flesh and another variety grows from somewhere up in the no-mans land of deep in the nose.

Step #1 Find a mirror with light that you can shine in your face. You will need light from slightly below nose level. You may have to bring a desk lamp into the bathroom with you. Or buy one of those lighted, magnifying mirrors they sell to old ladies to help put on makeup.

#2 Push the tip of your nose sideways and slightly up, exposing the middle flesh on one side of your nose. Use the scissors to cut the hairs growing out of this region as close as possible to the skin. It will be apparent which way to turn the curve of the scissors once you get in there.

BE CAREFUL! As I mentioned before, cuticle scissors are sharp. The blood vessels in your nose are close to the surface. One inattentive slice and you will bleed, and bleed, and bleed. If you get in a fist-fight you can be proud of a bloody nose, but you will feel stupid telling an emergency nurse you cut your nose with cuticle scissors.

#3 Repeat the last procedure in the other direction.

#4 Now use a thumb to pull a nostril up and outwards, like extremely flairing it. This will expose hairs that grow down from above. Trim these. You won’t be able to get near the roots of these suckers because they grow from deep inside, so just trim them up as close as you can. Once you release your nostril to normal position you’ll get a couple weeks of growth before they start to poke down visibly again.

#5 Repeat on the other nostril.

Tip: Only go after the visible hairs. You need some nose hair to filter out dust and debris from getting sucked into your lungs.

Congratulations. Now that you’ve mastered your nose hairs you are now sexier and happier. I know that I am.

Until next time, All the best, Your friend and guide to being a sexier DUDE, Wayne Elise