Dating in the apocalypse


1.  Would you give different advice for someone doing a video chat date than a regular date?

Take advantage of the medium. Give a video tour of your hamster’s cage. Create a backdrop wall with your toilet paper hoard.  Put your laptop on a table and do some mime for your date. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Go stream Austin Powers International Man of Mystery and look for the couch scene.

Also smile while you talk even more so than in person to compensate for the absence of warmth that usually comes across with your hand on his leg. After video chatting your face should be tired and stretchy.

Wear blue or purple because that looks good on camera. And add red scarf  because you’re a sexy troglodyte. (Look that one up.)

2.  So much of establishing intimacy is based on touch, is there a way to recreate that on a screen?

Honestly being together in-person is over-rated and often disappointing. It’s the anticipation that’s exciting. So use your imagination and create desire. Say, “Oh baby, I wish I could touch you. I would so many things to you that even those penguins with free reign of the aquarium could never imagine.”

Also, got stuffed animals? Nothing to be ashamed of missy. I’m a grown man and I got a hug bear, furry mammoth, big happy mouse…  Ahem. Anyway. Where was I? Oh yeah. You can always demonstrate what you’d like to do together. Start with the hugging and kissing. Make it a play. Have fun. Fun is always attractive. I have been dumped for wearing a polo shirt to a bar mitzvah but I have never been dumped for being fun.

  1. Do you have any tips on how to improve your success on a video chat date?

It’s tempting to be casual. On a daily basis you’re going from Flintstone pajamas to sofa sweats, to cheese warrior pants, back to sofa sweats and returning to maybe Power Ranger pajamas to mix it up. But you really should dress for success here. You want the other person to know they’re important enough for you to make an effort. Slap on a tie or a dress, or your fursuit if that’s what you’re into.

Place some props on the chair next to you so you can surprise your date. No not those props you sicko! How about some framed photos of the dog when you were a kid or your original hardcover Hobbit book, or the severed head of your enemy. Oh sorry. Not that one. Don’t do that.

Anyway, I think you get the point. Use your sense of humor and things around the house can help you.

Speaking of books, use some under your laptop to get your camera above your eye level. This will prevent Godzilla video where you look like your hundred feet tall coming to crush their town. Getting your eye level under someone gaze is one of my oft-used tricks I use in real life. But it works on Skype too. It makes the other person feel relativly more empowered and helps get them talking.

Get some crayons and draw a picture of each other. Maybe even make a whole picture book of the two of you on your next date once the apocalypse cools off.  You don’t have to be Picasso. The effort and the surprise is the point.

But the biggest tip I can give you is to talk about the things the other person cares about. If they’re into an online yoga personality then look up my friend Tara Stiles. If they’re into the movie Dances with Wolves, either consider dating someone with more contemporary tastes, or bite the bullet, and give it a watch. You’ll be better equipped to help your date express their interests. And interests are the second cousin of desires - you naughty one.