First Do This

By Wayne Elise

March 23, 2025

When I was single after the divorce from my first wife, I’d fly back and forth between Ann Arbor where I was living at the time and New York City where my friends and I tried to carry on lives of debauchery that resembled as closely as possible, the characters from Interview With The Vampire. Often, just before taking off, I’d message girls I’d met previously: ‘On the way to NY. Can’t wait to see you. It’d be nice, I think, if we enjoyed a picnic in the park. I’ll bring the wine if you bring the cheese.’ or to another girl, ‘We can go to a club together and find a girl. One you like. Your type. We can both @^(*%@^$ on your ^@)%%! and then I’ll &^%&# all over the &^%@!”

This was before Wi-Fi on planes so it was only upon landing that the responses would pop up. They usually read something such as: ‘Sounds interesting. When are you thinking?’

That’s a logical, normal question. To a lot of guys it may feel like progress. But experience taught me, you just can’t answer that. Later maybe, but not then. I wasn’t where many people would think I was in the relationship. It was too soon for logistics. It’s such a guy thing really. We want to make things happen, get certainty, ‘nail down appointments in our book’. If I had a chocolate chip for every guy who’s told me they’re good once they get a girl out on a date, I’d open a cookie store. I don’t doubt them. But getting girls out is only going to happen if the desire for the date outweighs the opportunity cost of doing something else that she thinks is, if not more pleasurable, at least less anxiety provoking, not to mention the hassle of making themselves up, putting on clean underwear and remembering not to be too much themselves. This friction creates a high barrier for her to follow through and show up - at least if you’re dating out of your league - which I recommend. Who wants to date the people some algorithm says we can? Not me. I always liked it when a girl said I’m not her usual type as she put her clothes back on. “You’re too old,” she would say. “Too poor. Too skinny. Too non musical.” God bless her heart. I loved her honesty. She’s slummed it. This was great news. We enjoyed a moment in time that wouldn’t ordinarily exist for us. Also in that vein, my wife is much better than me in every way. I’m lucky. Dumb lucky. I keep telling her she should leave me for someone better. I’d be sad about that but I’d understand. She could do so much better. But she’s still here. I love that perseverance. She’s not the kind to put a book down before the end.

But I digress. When I was a kid I didn’t understand other kids’ fascination with dirt, so I lived at the library. My wish was to magically know everything that was in all those books. But mostly I read Conan the Barbarian and John Carter of Mars. Those guys always got girls. And not just regular girls but sorceresses and princesses who, at any moment, might put a dagger in their backs. That was hot! But one day, I found a box of books behind some dusty shelves that the librarian was probably planning to throw away. These books were inappropriate for a kid. They had names such as Spring Fire, Never Say No and Private School. I’d stumbled upon a niche genre known as lesbian pulp fiction. These stories were crazy! Eye widening! They were poorly written with dumb plots of course. There wasn’t even any sex. But my god, were they good at stoking desire. They were a shot to the heart. I sat and read all of them. I had no idea desire could be so ruthless and… effective. Creating desire in people is a form of power. And as a kid, all you dream about is power. So I was sold. Still am. The path is clear. Put desire ahead of everything and everything will work out as it should.

So going back to those text messages. There wasn’t enough desire yet. Girls often just giving the normal response most guys expect. But in my mind, she didn’t want it enough. Desire measured on the ye old Desir-o-matic was probably a five out of ten. Somewhere in the yellow zone. Maybe augury. Is that a color? Not sure. Anyway, it wasn’t enough desire to produce the follow-through to mutually enjoyable experiences. If you are in similar circumstances DO NOT ANSWER THAT QUESTION! We want more! We want a red hot ten on the meter before we get into the boring tit-for-tat of logistics.

With that in mind, I’d write back: ‘Hopefully, as soon as possible. I want to see you and hear about your trip to Nepal. For some reason I’m visioning old timey straw hats and ribbons in your hair which I can untie. Ha. Don’t even know where to get those.”

Desire is NOT fulfillment. Desire is want. Desire is a pleasant picture in someone’s mind. And it’s best served simmering.

Eventually, I’d get back messages such as: “Hey Wayne! When do you want to do this? Let me know! I’m seriously mad at you!”

I’d always be nice. ‘I apologize. It’s my fault. Can’t wait to see you. I want to (censored) and (censored) you. We can meet when it works for you.”

Unlike lots of advice you may hear, I always let the other person pick a time. If they work on time first, it’s a good sign you’ve created enough desire. And also, you may be unsurprised to hear this, but attractive women’s schedules tend to be complicated and stuffed full of exciting events. If you force a time, you run the risk of her ‘fitting you in’, rather than clearing a chunk of her schedule to enjoy the full multimedia experience that is you.

Okay, okay. Getting back to the NYC adventures back in the day, you may have imagined that I may have taken some of my conversations too far into desire. You’re correct. I did have girls show up banging on the hotel door with fire burning in their eyes only to find out I’m no sexual triathlete. I sincerely apologize to them for the let down. But so is life.

Final thoughts for you. You may be doing some of this already, but try holding off longer than usual before working on dates and times, train schedules, and Google maps. Put desire ahead of numbers. Maybe pretend you’re in no hurry. I know! Pretend you’re a Lestat, King of Vampires! You’ve got centuries! Use words to paint seductive pictures. Find out what people want and sell it to them ruthlessly. Linger on the juicy bits. If for some reason, you offend, you can always apologize and backtrack, but don’t be afraid to speak to desire. You’ll have rapt attention, I promise.