It’s always easier to make topic driven-conversation. At least at first.
“Mexico city is cheap this time of year, don’t you think?”
“Oh yes. It’s cheap but yet the service is good there.”
“Yeah. It rocks there.”
“Um, yeah.”
The problem is that platonic, topic-driven conversation doesn’t have legs. It tends to bulk up around topics until we run out of facts or judgments and doesn’t allow our conversation to move laterally. Most of my clients who come to me with the complaint of running out of things to say in their conversations are often just not making their conversations personal.
Once a personal conversation is introduced (hint: do this early) your conversation can flow much better – like coffee. You simply follow the characters through life.
“I’m looking forward to tasting the tortillas. I’m going to walk down the Plaza de la Constitución.”
“You do?”
“Yeah, that’s the kinda person I am. I want to live like that movie Matador.”
“The one with Pierce Brosnan?”
“Yeah.”
“I like that movie.”
“Me too. Well we have that in common. Want to buy me an ice cream,”
“Not really but I’ll give you a noogie.”
“Grrrr.. ”
Personal, character-driven conversation allows us to pass through topics as we follow the characters of ourselves and our conversational partner. It gives the conversation legs while onnecting us. I hope the above video will give you a metaphor to help you keep this idea in mind.
To master character-driven, personal conversation sign up for My Conversation Camp.
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
I love this article. There is a non-obvious but profound distinction between focusing on character vs. topic. I can relate to Wayne’s example of the topic-based conversation that initially burns brightly like a fuse before sputtering out dead seconds later. I’ve had thousands of those.
However, I don’t like Wayne’s example of a personal conversation. It feels like just banter to me because it whimsically jumps around without developing the characters. Here is my stab at a better example personal conversation:
- “I’m looking forward to tasting the tortillas. I’m going to walk down the Plaza de la Constitución.”
- “You do?”
- “Yeah, that’s the kinda person I am. Whenever I’m in a new country I’ll plunge out the door of my hotel in the morning with no idea where I’m going. I’ll end up taking a random bus across town, striking up a conversation with a shopkeeper, and getting invited to his home for dinner with his family.”
- “My god, I’d be terrified I’d get abducted. I was driving cross-country last year and made a dinner itinerary researching in advance the best-ranked restaurants along my route. Best Italian place in Chicago, best BBQ place in Dallas.”
- “Sounds delicious. I think you would be great to learn salsa dancing with. I would just grab you, jump on the floor, and start wiggling. You would actually show me what the right steps are.”
- “You bet I would!”
Notice the topic jumps from foreign travel, to best restaurants, to ballroom dancing, but it’s a coherent conversation because it’s all about the characters. The topics are just props to illustrate the characters by showing how they feel and behave in various situations.
With well-developed characters, setting up the date becomes easy, because it’s just like asking, “What if Superman fought Godzilla?” Everyone wants to see that movie because the characters are so well-understood that imaginations can run wild with the possibilities.
Just saw a great example of a personal conversation, 7 minutes in to The Adjustment Bureau when Matt Damon meets the girl in the bathroom.
This article is eye opening for me, because thinking like Wayne is explaining it, it is possible to talk about things I haven´t came in touch with in a lifetime, but somehow I could relate to them, because all that matters is, that the liquit stuff mixes.
But there are still some questions:
How do I effectefly escalate towards this sort of relation? and not just in a certain situation, but any situation. The people at the market, people I meet through friends, at me doing my hobby, or even with my homeroom teacher, or with people I am just staying a minute?
And another question has been on my mind for some time: Im pretty slow and social interaction is often on another high-end level speed for me. How could I catch up that gap?
Not sure if I understand your question exactly Satyr. But I’ll take my best guest. You can indeed make personal conversation with anyone. It’s not what you talk about that makes it personal but rather how you talk about it. Be willing to share yourself – not in a way that is meant to make you look good, but rather in a real, vulnerable way. Be willing to act silly and let down your guard and have fun with whomever you’re with. Also, listen to how others talk to you. Remind them that you want to know them as people. Tell them, “I’m interested in how that made you feel.” or “What happened to get you to that point?”
You slow down an interaction by using tools such as rewarding. Also, it’s cool to say to someone, “I like that but I’m going to have to think about my response a bit.” That will give you license to come back to the topic later.
would love to hear some examples or what talking about a topic in a personal way sounds like.
I’ve found this one of the most crucial ideas that has improved the quality of my interactions.
Another side effect is in order to get to this point (of having personal interactions rather than topic interactions), I have to look for those opportunities to like something about the other person in the interaction so I can make those escalations to a personal conversation, here’s the side effect: I am enjoying interactions more. I am a happier person talking to another person because I am now realising how much there is to appreciate about people.
BTW Genius video editing on this clip, I loved the intro and outro, I thought they were cool. “it’s an earth quaaake!…… it’s better now.”
What’s a noogie?
That coffee cup metaphor fits just right. Also great to see a video of you where we can pick up on your tone of voice, expressions etc.
Since you seem like you are on a writing spree, may I make a suggestion? Please do an article on sexual escalation! The phase of the interaction after the SOI but before sex. I feel like in your ebook, the intial part of the interaction from approach to SOI is very well explained. But from SOI to sex, that part is kind of kind of vague.
Bingo
wait, you have a coffee cup with a Vespa on it?
Simply,
Awesome.
More please.
I knew I was going to like the comparison as soon as the notification popped up in my inbox – and I did.
I think that people generally attach too much meaning to the little things – e.g. conversation topics. It’s cool when you pick an interesting one, but *really* talking means opening up and being honest. (this also makes conversations 10 times more fun:)).
Thanks, Wayne!